Happy though Human

How to be happy though Human∗

My father was a Freudian. Well, he said he was technically an 'Eclectic'. But the truth is that his training analyst was Freudian; it is just that my dad's training was incomplete. I think the war intervened. I sensed in him a deep respect for Freud's intuitions, with some minor reservations. Much less time for Jung, and I do not think I  ever hear him mention Adler. My mother, who was usually busy with other aspects of general practice, and house-keeping, respected the more mystical Carl Jung, and summarised Alfred Adler as replacing Freud's monomaniacal emphasis on sex, with the more general concept of 'power'. Thus was the house in which I grew up. 

Last week I  paused at the the bookcase on my upstairs landing to enjoy the mere presence of my beloved books. A cluster of early Pelicans caught my eye:  two by A. N. Whitehead, Paul Einzig on monetary policy and Béran Wolfe's familiar title "How to be Happy though Human". Familiar, arresting, haunting; I doubt if I had ever opened  the book in the 60 plus years during which we had lived together. And I wondered who had bought it; I, or my mother, or my father. First published 1932, republished by Penguin Books in 1957. From the back cover I learned that Wolfe had been an 'assistant' to Adler in Vienna between the wars. At last! My chance to glimpse the Adler view of human motivation. 

But ouch! This is going to hurt. Opening at random, I find a section titled "The Fine Art of making Presents".  I read: 

"... the giving of gifts for reasons of duty, custom, or the like. ....is the worst... way to make a present.......you give a small boy....... a copy of Marcus Aurelius's Meditations because of some vague hope ....". 

And I wince, for I have made exactly that silly mistake with my oldest grand-daughter, and was about to err again with her younger sister. 

On the other hand, dispite Wolfe's rather clunky use of English, Béran offers many pieces of sound advice. For example:

"Peaceful social intercourse can exist only in a society of mentally mature individuals. You can achieve a great deal of happiness and gain an enormous host of friends if you will (sic) incorporate the wisdom of social relativity (?)...... If you wish to convince him of a point, or teach him a new technique, minimise the distance between your superior position of knowledge and his inferior position of ignorance..... Conscious modesty in attitude, quietness in gesture, combined with firmness of purpose and decision, mark the well-adjusted adult. .... The words 'absolutely', 'certainly', 'always', 'never'.. have little place in the vocabulary of the happy man." 

Or his comment on Deferred Living: "One important source of unhappiness is the habit of putting off living to some fictional date in the future.........."

Or: "[The immature man] lives a plan-less life. His strategy consists either in muddling through, or dreaming through, life."  

(Touché!  Though I call it 'going with the flow', and explain my strategy as a result of my fear of making a wrong decision. I am beginning to see developing the theme of this essay; its raison d'être écrit.  Wolfe is forever stripping away the multilayered protective carapace in which I have carefully wrapped myself. I keep pulling it back and re-wrapping.  His therapy is rather brutal; it is like pulling a hermit-crab out of its borrowed shell and telling it to stiffen up.)

Béran Wolfe devotes a significant portion of the book to 'Happiness in Love and Marriage', or more correctly to the unhappiness generated in these area of life. He suggests that there are but few people who could number amongst their acquaintances 10 happy couples. However, he goes on to suggest that the great majority of this widespread unhappiness stems from avoidable causes. There are (he says) certain fundamental prerequisites to a happy marriage:

"Mental maturity, physical health, and psychological independence in outlook, a knowledge of the art of love and the practice of contraception are important premisses of a normal sexual life. A mature sense of social responsibility, the willingness to make concessions to reality, freedom from neurotic traits (including any tendency towards romantic idealism), a wide and catholic range of human interests, and the willingness to grow, to cooperate, to suffer sometimes, and to share always the disappointments and the joys of life – these are the foundations of success in the solution of the love problems of every day life. The willingness to encourage, the ability to identify oneself with the situation of the sexual partner, help one over the usual obstacles, ........"

 Well! That explains that then. In my marriage I do not think I met a single one of those 12 fundamental prerequisites; unless you would allow me  'psychological independence in outlook', and a 'catholic range of human interests'; which latter I admit would be quite generous, considering my total ignorance of sport and pop music. Contraception clearly defeated us in the second year of our marriage. And the 'Art of Love' defeated me till I was 70 years old. I bristle with a host of neuroses; and I am sure those must include romantic idealism if that means 'fooishly trusting nature as a guide', 'hoping for the best', and 'extreme shyness'.

Surely it is obvious that a neurotic person needs his neuroses. They are his defences against  the pain of facing up to his inadequacies. 

As I put the book back on the shelf, I feel inclined to admit that Life was rather wasted on me. And yet, you know, I just about managed. Bailing, but still afloat.

∗ Wolfe, W. B. (1957) "How to be Happy though Human", Penguin Books Ltd., Harmondsworth, Middlesex